Covid 19

Life right now is just plain weird!  Covid 19 virus has changed the world.  I hope it hasn't changed it forever. It started in China and has moved throughout the world from there.  It makes me realize how easily my great lifestyle can be taken away and how much better my life is than so many others.
I am still working at Intermountain Healthcare Salt Lake Clinic in Internal Medicine.  I took a job at Intermountain in September of 2010 to pay for insurance.  Not sure it was the greatest decision of my life but through it I have met a number of wonderful people, and some people that remind me to be kinder and less crazy than they are.  We are on the "front lines" of sorts for this pandemic.  I am wearing safety glasses and a mask everyday.  I go home and take my shoes off at the door, strip off my clothes and put them directly into the washer.  I am washing my hands so much that they are red and dry and I am grateful for soap and water as a means of prevention.  There is a mandate for everyone in the state to "Stay Safe, Stay at Home".  Self Isolation and Social Distancing are new mantras by everyone.  Staying in with just those you live with and standing at least 6 feet apart when you around others
 others  Many of the states have made it mandatory that you can't be out socially.  Most all businesses you would frequent are closed by order.  Nearly everyone is working from home if possible. Take out is still available.  Restaurants are taking a big hit.  Schools are closed. Only a few at a time are allowed in the stores and the stock in the stores depends on the day.  Very few people on the street or driving in their cars.  No one is using mass transit. There was a crazy run on toilet paper early on. People were and still are hording water and toilet paper!  Clorox wipes and cleaning products of that type are in short supply as well.  We are in good shape for those things.  We have stocked in enough supplies so we won't have to go to the store for a month at least.  Dru and I are in the "high risk" category because we are over 60.  We carry hand sanitizer with us and use it frequently.  The virus is scary but the impact is having on our economy is more frightening than that.  I was going to retire this year and now it will have to wait.  Stock market is down which means my 401k is in the tank.  Our food brokerage business is still doing okay due to grocery sales and schools are still using juice boxes being given to the kids who drop by the schools for a to go lunch and breakfast.  We are really so blessed.  Most of all I miss my family.  We had to miss our trip to Arizona to see Elliot and his family.  I miss shopping with Kolbie and watching the kids baseball games and just being in their presence and giving my big 6'8" son a hug.  And I haven't had enough time having Ashton play tour guide for us in Arizona. I miss Sunday dinners at our place with a roast in the oven and plenty of mashed potatoes and gravy gathered around the dinner table with Cam and his family and Adriana.  Social distancing from Cam and his family and Adriana when they are just down the road just seems like cruel and unusual punishment. I suppose the sacrifice is worth it if we keep each other safe from harm.  I am fasting today as many others around the world are for a speedy recovery and end of the virus.  Praying that they will find a quick cure and a vaccine and that the Economy will return robustly very very very soon.
I am grateful for the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and for a living prophet Russell M Nelson that has called for this day of fasting on Good Friday.

Sitting here at my job in the Instacare asking myself why I am creating this life I am leading.  If you buy into the "You create your own reality" then I  must be a glutton for punishment!
I plan to make a couple of lists.  One a bucket list of things I would like to do before I get out of this mortal existence and one a list of things that have had or I think would make me happy.
My happy list will include:
Dinner in Kaysville at Setabello watching the fountains and listening to Michael Buble as the fountains dance.
Sitting on the deck of my home (which I have yet to purchase ) in St George at Lakota Ridge enjoying the morning with my Diet Coke.
Skiing with Dru and enjoying a break in the adarondak chairs at Alta Ski Resort.
Golfing with Dru and the kids almost anywhere on a sunny day.
Lying on the beach soaking up the sun.
Catching a great wave on my boogie board.
Trying new restaurants dressed up for a date night.
Having Priest run to me and hug me when I pick him up from school.
Feeling fit and thin.
Driving my Mercedes.
Having all my family around me.
Sunny Days.
The color orange.
Having plenty of Money.
Spending time with Dru.
Watching my children and grandchildren succeed.
Knowing life is eternal and I will be with my family forever.

Bucket List
Be proficient at skiing blue runs.
Be a good golfer.
Read the Book of Mormon.
Go on a Cruise
Go to Hawaii
Take cool trips with the Grands
Be debt Free
Ride Horses again

Well this is it for now.  I will be adding to the list as I go.

What the heck am I doing here?

What was I thinking when I took a job?  I never should have come to the rescue just for Health Insurance.  I realize in retrospect that we had always survived in the past and I am sure we would have survived in the future...yet here I am.  I suppose I should be glad that I have a job with benefits, insurance, and a pension.  The thoughts of lasting here long enough to realize the pension is depressing. 

Sheila 1 year later

I had almost forgotten that I had a blogspot.  So much has happened since my last post but I write today with a heavy heart.  One year ago my beautiful Sister Sheila took her own life.  I thought I had been through my worst days with Dad's illness and death, but this was the worst day so far.  When I lost Cari to her battle with breast cancer in 2005 it was apparent that death was a blessing of sorts.  She would be free from her physical body that was full of cancer and be perfect, healthy and whole with Father in Heaven and all those who loved her in Heaven.  Sheila's death was such a shock.  I will truly never get over it.  I have many regrets about her.  I am sorry that I didn't realize how truly ill she was.  I wish I would have forced her to have a relationship with me.  I realize that too was part of her sickness.  The severe mood swings that have been going on for years.  I guess I must reconcile now that she too is free from her earthly cares and is with those who love her as well.  I just never got the closure and will never make any sense of this tragedy.  The beautiful blonde girl who had it all.  That is what she was and hopefully still is.
I love you and miss you Sheila....my Sister...my Friend.

My Dad

My Dad has always been a larger than life character. If you have seen the movie "Big Fish" you will understand the similarities. Each time I am with him I hear a new story about a fantastic adventure in his life. I am always amazed to think that one man has had so much life experience. His life makes mine seem very "normal". Some of my first memories of Dad were riding horses. This is an activity that bonded us. He was riding with me on our big American Saddler named Cougar. We were riding in the pasture between our home and my Grandma Nielsen's home. Dad had me in the saddle and he was on the horses rear. I must have been about 5 years old. This was a big event for me. I remember saying "don't get off Dad...stay on with me". He was teaching me how to rein the horse and telling me "don't be scared...a horse can tell if you are frightened...let him know you are the boss". A little girl on a big horse was a wonderful adventure. Suddenly I am riding alone. Dad had slid off the back and was watching me with pride as I rode Cougar around the pasture with command. This was the first time that I remember knowing that Dad had utter confidence in me. I remember going with him on many horse adventures. He was the President of the South Jordan Lions Riding Club for several years. He built the first arena for them. Mostly from donated product he had connections on. I have always been proud of my Dad. I remember being amazed when he and I went to pick up a horse one morning. We stopped at the Rocket Cafe on the corner of 90th south and State Street in Sandy to have breakfast. Dad didn't even have to look at a menu to know what he wanted! He ordered a short stack! Wow for some reason this was just amazing to me. Now Dad is in a different stage of his life. He and I have hung in there through Mom's sickness and death. So many doctor visits. So many late night runs to the emergency room. So much worry. Now Dad and I are entering a different faze of life. This time Dad is the one who needs the help. I have been helping him with many things for a long time. Getting his decorations up for holidays and putting them away. My family helping him in the yard and garden. Preparing him dinners that he can eat during the week. Changing his sheets so they are always fresh. Going for Costco Dogs on days when he is lonely. Making Christmas gifts for him to hand out to his neighbors. By the way...Dad has absolutely the best neighbors hands down. It isn't unusual for him to answer the door to find one of them there with a dinner for him. He hasn't had to plow one flake of snow since he moved in. A phantom brings in his garbage can every week. I believe in divine intervention and this is what happened when we were led to this neighborhood when Dad and Mom sold their home at 10966 South Redwood Road to the city of South Jordan 13 years ago. Dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1985. He had a radical prostatectomy then and Dr Dahl proclaimed him cancer free. Nothing in the lymph nodes. What a blessing. Life goes on and his PSA jumps up in June 2008. Dr Corbin Clark the urologist we were recommended to gave us the option of removing his testicles, having a hormone shot to shut down the testosterone, or radiation. We chose radiation. Dad looked at him like he was from some alien planet when he recommended testicle removal. I didn't want him to have the hormone shot as I remember it almost killed my Father in Law Cal Steadman. Radiation was to be done at the Intermountain Medical Center Huntsman Cancer Center by William Sause. Oddly enough this was the doctor that did a Sesian implant in my Mom when she had Uterine Cancer in 1975. Dad had a Dexascan and a full bone scan on July 7, 2008. No cancer was detected in his bones. Kevin went with him to this appointment. July 21, 2008 Dad and I met with Dr. Sause. Had a CT Scan to determine the placement of the radiation. Dr. Sause could feel the cancer during the rectal exame. Said to save Hormone therapy for later if needed. Said cancer may be in other places. No one knows. 2 in 3 chances radiation will take care of it. July 28, 2008 First radiation treatment. First of 39 treatments. Dad actually looked forward to the treatments. They were painless and it got him out of the house each day. He liked the social interaction with the people there. That has been very hard on Dad not to have daily interaction with others since Mom died. I call him several times a day and he occasionally goes to Paulettes for coffee, but it is just not the same. We had a final appointment with Dr Sause on October 14, 2008 and all looked well. He said to come back in 3 months. We returned to Dr Sause on January 8, 2009 for a follow up PSA. PSA never did go to zero. Sause said we were good to come back in 6 months. July 6, 2009 Follow up with Dr Sause. Dad looked good and passed the physical exam. The PSA however was a different story. It has jumped to 250! Scheduled a bone scan on July 9. Had a follow up with Dr Sause on July 10. Connie took him to this one. I was on a bike trip with Dru. There was prostate cancer widespread in his bones. They decided to remove his testicles. This something we should have done in hind sight. Now it seemed like a treatment we should do. When Dad was first approached by this he was a much different person. healthy and viral. Now this was a treatment to save his life. Removing the testicles and orchiectomy would shut down the production of testosterone which is what is fueling the cancer. Dr Clark gave Dad some drugs to make him quit producing testosterone. Flutamide. Finasteride Casodex, Avodart. On July 20th we wound up on Dr Morton Pellats office because Dad was short of breath, wheezy, itchy feet and legs, pain across ribs, cough got a chest xray and rib xray reactions to the meds. Found though the bone scan that his lesions were widespread spine, pelvis, limbs, ribs, etc. I was so scared. I tried to reach Connie and both phones went to boicemail. It was so scary to be alone through this. Paulette called...what a blessing to at least have someone else to talk to. We scheduled his Orchiectomy for Julyl 27, 2009 7:30am at Altaview Surgical Center. Dr. Corbin Clark. All went well. Dad healed well from the surgery. Follow up with Dr Clark with Connie on September 22, 2009 Said all looked good. Took PSA and follow up in 3 months. PSA down to 65 and going down. Started with a new General Dotor for Dad. David Breding. Went to him on November 2, 2009. Did lab work, urine sample, took EKG. Put dad on metolazone(water pill) because of his swollen legs and stomach. It worked great. Wants him to take digoxin for his rapid heart rate which was 140! Check PSA in 2 weeks. Saw Dr. Breding on November 10, 2009. Heart rate was 62 blood pressure was 110/70. Acid Phosphate level at 18 in the bones. Dr. Breding December 10, 2009 Gave him avelox for sinus infection, and nasonex. checked PSA it is up to 105. Damn. Wants us to go to Dr Clark. Saw Dr Clark on December 17, 2009. Connie was with me on this appointment. Sent us to an Oncologist. We got in to see Connies Dr. Dr. Difiore on January 6, 2010 at the Cancer Center 3900 South 700 East. I looked the Doctor. So did Dad. He prescribed Zometa an introvenius drug to strengthen the bones and ward off the effect of the bone cancer. He got 3.5 of the Zometa over 1 hour. He scheduled and MRI of the thorasic spine. We had this done at Alta view, but he couldn't stand the pain because the stupid technician left him sitting for an hour before preforming it. It did show enough that he has a tumor on his spine just under his shoulder blades. This means more radiation. Paulette was with me here at the MRI and then we met with Dr Miller at the Cancer Center a Pain Doctor. I thought Dad would die of pain today. Literally it was so frightening. Dr Miller put him on methadone for pain and Mobic for inflammation. Also Senna for laxative. We will follow up with him on January 15 at 3:30. The methadone has taken away the pain but leaves Dad a little dizzy and his eyes feel a little funny and his heart feels a little flippy. But the pain is well under control. He can walk much better because the methadone is helping with his knee pain. We started him on one .5 methadone 3 times a day on Jan 8. On Dad's birthday Jan 9 it was apparent we were on too much methadone. We cut the dose down to 1/2 a pill 3 times a day and as of today Jan 13 we have him on 1/2 a pill twice a day. we have also added Dexamethazone a steroid and taken away the mobic and also added an omeprozole. Dad is receiving radiation at the Cancer Center. The Doctor is Fishbach. He will get 14 treatments. His first was on Monday the 11th of January. Paulette has been to all of these with me. It helps. She said to watch for anxiety, insomnia and weak legs. He is doing pretty good as of today. Joan and Ray will take him for radiation today. I will tomorrow and I will on Friday because we meet with Doctor Miller the pain guy.